Reaching for my goals, and my toes

A quick follow-up on this post – I did go to the massage. Jack was sick, but Erik said he could take him to the sick clinic in the morning so that I could still do my massage. Of course, I was halfway to the place when I realized that Jack’s car seat was in my car. After turning around, speeding home, getting the seat out and speeding back, I was 25 minutes late. When I explained the delay, the masseuse said, “I wouldn’t be able to relax if my child were home sick, but maybe that’s just me.” Thanks for the cherry on top of my guilt sundae, lady! I did relax – in fact, I fell asleep on the table. Then I came home, and realized that I was also starting to get sick. Jack and I will be staying home tomorrow, recuperating.

A few months ago, I turned 33. I’m no longer a young woman, but I’m certainly not old. Yet, I felt much older. I was constantly fatigued and out of energy, my knees and joints popped and ached, my clothes weren’t fitting because I had packed on some weight, and I was starting to feel like I was too old to do anything.

But, wait a minute. 33 is not old. So why was I letting myself feel old? And why was I accepting it? Once I asked myself those questions, there was a new question: what was I going to do about it?

First, time to lose the weight. I already posted about “Hunger Games” and how I’ve stayed (almost entirely) vegan. Then, I decided to get checked out by the professionals. My physical with my general practitioner was actually FUN because I got to see how my changes in diet were making a positive impact on my health. But a LONG overdue check-up with a dentist was not fun, as it revealed 3 cavities, and an urgent need to replace my bridgework. Did I mention that I’d rather stick my hand in a blender than go to a dentist? Turns out I’d need five dentist appointments after that check-up to fix the neglect I’d done. But, it’s a lesson learned – you better believe I floss like a pro now.

Now it’s time to get my fitness level back. You wouldn’t know it from looking at me now (sitting on the sofa watching CSI), but I used to be a runner. Cross-country was my sport in high school, and I loved it because running was the only sport I was any good at. I couldn’t throw or catch or kick, but I could put one foot in front of the other and repeat, over and over and over. Running gave me a feeling of accomplishment and pride. I wasn’t leading the pack, but I was finishing the race and improving a little every time, and that was enough for me.

I need that feeling again. I need to feel pride in myself and my body – especially now, because my body has done so much more. My body has completed 2 Breast Cancer 3 Days! My body has been through major surgery! My body made a baby!!! My body gives me the strength to carry on every day, through fatigue and stress, and it can do so much more. It’s time to push it again. For crying out loud, I want to touch my toes again.

I had thought of doing another 3 Day, but I can’t find anyone who will do it with me. I’ve done it by myself before, and it was a bit rough. Do I want to train for that and hope I find a partner along the way? Do I want to try for another endurance event? Do I want to try for the dream I’ve had since I was 14 years old, and run a marathon?

I’m not really sure yet. My true goal is to get back in shape, but my physical therapist (who I am seeing to help strengthen my knees, which has always been my weak area) says that it’s much more helpful to set a tangible goal along the way. But now that I am starting to reap some benefits of exercising (I ran for the first time in years yesterday – only for a few minutes, but it was a BIG start), I’m starting to feel as if anything is possible. The question is, what do I want to make possible?

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